Red Letter Reminder

I took a week off work, and you would think it would be easier to find time to write but somehow it hasn't been. Granted, Monday and Tuesday were spent trying to mostly keep the kids out of the house because it was being completely repiped with epoxy liner and our toilets were sitting in the middle of the living room and master bedroom. The little bit of time we did spend at home those days involved cleaning up the aftermath, dodging plumbers, and taking emergency bike rides to find a working bathroom.

But it's done now. For the first time since we moved in, we have 2 fully functioning bathrooms and now we have a short break before the jack-of-all-trades contractor comes back. He will be putting in the hurricane straps for our new roof and continuing to battle the wasp kingdom that lives in the neighbor's banyan tree but sends its sentinels out regularly and have stung all of us at least once. Hopefully he will also soon begin work on our master bedroom floors and paint it and put in lights, because we haven't really unpacked our stuff completely yet while we wait, and I am typing this from my "office" computer which is planted atop a dresser.

I have decided that it is easier to die to myself in the busyness of everyday life than when I am on a "staycation" as a parent. Somehow, I seem to think that taking time off work will mean that I can get all sorts of things caught up while at the same time spending infinite quality time with my family as well as relaxing and putting my feet up. This is even less likely to happen when my husband can't take the same days off and comes home with migraines every night from the heat. Instead, what has happened is that I have tried to block off time to clean the house and homeschool plan and the kids ended up fighting miserably the whole time. And I tried to take them out to do fun things and they all loudly voiced their different opinions and fought miserably most of the time. And I tried to stare into space a little bit but was constantly interrupted. All of which I am used to in everyday life but somehow it is more offensive when I am supposed to be on vacation. Plus now I can't claim that I need to work, and they need to find something to do when I am trying to get those other things done because...mom guilt. I took this week off to spend with them.

And that is perhaps the real reason why I have had trouble writing this week. It isn't the constant interruptions or fatigue or lack of time which are  normal life for me, but because I have no desire to spread my negativity around and I have been struggling to break out of it. 

What we have been through this year has been hard. I am the kind of person who is really strong in those intense situations. I lean hard into Jesus, and I find His joy in the hard of crises situations. I don't fall apart when everything is falling apart. But I usually do start falling apart afterward. I don't know how this could be afterward when we are still in the thick of pretty intense home renovation and preparing for a major surgery and a new school year, but maybe sometimes "vacations" are just a chance to reset even if it doesn't seem super restful.

It's ok to be small and incapable and unproductive and wrestle over and over with the concept of being accepted for who I am as a child of God and not what I can accomplish in any given day.
I am learning the secret to being content. In plenty and in want. And most days it feels like a constant flip flop between both. 

This year for homeschool world cultures and science with my two middle boys I am sort of unschooling and making it up myself for the purposes of pursuing their particular interests and learning styles. Which I am super excited about even though like most homeschool planning it will likely look a lot different in real life than on paper. It is also taking a lot more planning than some open and go read a chapter and do the experiment sort of thing. Also one of my boys who needs much more interaction and stimulation and for that matter help than I can offer is doing 3 different co op/classes and 2 different tutors I have spent a lot of time preparing for and scheduling those. My mind is spinning with details to the point that sometimes I just lie down and grab a cat and make it snuggle with me for a few minutes while I blankly into space. 

I have been having my usual struggles with feeling inadequate in comparing myself to others, and sometimes feeling judged by other Christians and maybe even particularly Christian homeschoolers, because my family does not always look  or act perfectly put together. And so, in my quiet times I have been going to the gospels and reading the red letters, the words of Jesus, leaning into them, looking for His heart because I know that is all that truly matters. Sometimes I find myself thinking about that widow who put her two small coins in the offering. And I wonder if she looked around a little nervously when she approached. I wonder if she kept her head down as she walked away. Or maybe she was scared and shaking because even though it wasn't much it was literally all she had and what was she thinking?

But maybe she smiled when she put those coins in. Maybe she stopped looking at her little self and she looked up at Jesus and said "Here!" Maybe she put all of the little last bit of herself on the altar and she knew that it was enough because He would make it enough. 

That's the sort of vacation I need. The one where I die to all the dreams of comfort and productivity and relaxation and family connection and come alive to living the life I have been given today. All these details and complicated schedules and rushing around and sitting and hoping. All these sometimes-frantic thoughts inside my head, and prayers and longings and what little skill and knowledge I have in here somehow...I'll walk up and put it in the offering. Maybe I will even laugh a little bit with the freedom of letting them go. And make eye contact with the Teacher on my way back to my seat in the back. And see in His eyes His heart. 

"It isn't much and that's ok because none of it is much to Me. It is your heart I want. And today you have given it all.”